What do you do when you trip and bruise your ego? How do you stop feeling pathetic after that person who hurt you doesn't seem to miss you quite as much as you wish they did? I think our first instinct(s) can be "I want them back and I'll do anything," "I never want to hear from them again," "or "I want them to miss me, and miss me big." Most of the time, it's a combination of the above. It's rough when it doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to; when they seem to be doing much better than you wished. It's petty I know, but it's also true. We want to be reminded that we are not alone in our little corner of suffering.
Revenge is a powerful motivator, and I would be lying if I said I'm not feeling it right now. I hurt, and my hurting makes me want them to hurt too. I don't want to be alone in the way that I feel, but it doesn't do a whole bunch when you have no idea what's going on in their head. Do they regret it? Do they even feel bad? Are they sorry? That text message of "I miss you," can do more to bolster your ego than anyone really wants to admit. Whether we want them back, or no burning fire of hell could convince us, there is a certain power that comes from that knowledge. I know that my feeling this way has to do with my wish for control and not having it. It sounds stereotypical and silly. I know that, but I can't help it. I feel like screaming "don't you miss me?!? Did I mean so little to you that you let me go with such apparent little thought? Why can't you apologize, and no, things can't go back to the way they were. We're past that!"
I have realized that every single relationship I've been in, I've been waiting. Waiting for them to finish something; to accomplish something. I have sat in the background every time being a cheerleader; understanding, supportive, and more than a little passive. I put my needs last because "they can't handle it right now," and if I tell them it's important, I know it'll get ignored. Someone did try a little to make me a priority, but when the deadline came up, he told me he couldn't continue. He had plans, and they didn't include me. Come to think of it, all of them had plans that didn't include me. They accomplish something, and decide they don't need me anymore. That's really hard. When you invest in someone because you care, it hurts to get that thrown back into your face. I'm learning that I'm not as resilient as I'd like to think I am. As someone who tries to be self-reliant, it's a bitter pill to swallow that I am hurt so easily. I don't do things halfway. I jump in with both feet, so by the time I realize that the water isn't safe, I'm already past the point where I can protect my heart. I'm not sure if this is a flaw, or a strength... or perhaps it's both?
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