Three Years Later

Wow this has been a long time! I've been walking down memory lane, and reading some of these posts. Two things. One, I still think I'm hilarious. Two, most of it is still true. A lot has changed in three years.

I fell completely in love. By accident. (It does happen, dear reader; don't judge me.)

I quit my job and moved across the country, and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did. A lot of this blog was to help me cope with things that drove me crazy about working at a car dealership that shall remain nameless and location-less. I didn't have a job waiting for me out here, but I've kept my head above water. No idea how I've managed it, and I'm so very thankful that things have worked out as well as they have. I have never felt so at ease with my life.

The biggest change: I got married. And he's incredibly hunky. Way hunkier than I ever thought I'd ever end up with. Who ever saw that one coming? Seriously. I sure didn't. Due to some bad experiences while dating some guys in the military, I tried really hard to not get involved with this one. (He's a Marine pilot) Thankfully, I have a very persistent friend who was certain that I needed to meet him, and that we were well matched. I was terrified, but when I flew out to hang with her, and he was at the airport too with 18 red roses, it started a serious skid. I couldn't be happier.

I think the major life changes have had a significant effect on the way I look at the world, in a good way. I married someone who has the same warped sense of humor as me (a true blessing,) and with the help of some wonderful friends and him, I've gotten better at saying what I think, and being a bit of a smartass. I honestly have no idea where this is going to go from here, but we'll see! I can't wait!

How do you tell a dear friend that you are afraid they are making a mistake? When your entire being wants to scream, cry, and smack them upside the head; beg them to reconsider. But instead of doing that, you breathe, and pray, and because you love them, you tread carefully. What's worse, telling someone they're going to get hurt and risking them telling you to take a leap, or keeping silent, when you know that the results aren't going to be pretty?

 

Part of me wants to scream "Why did you bring me into this??? Did you tell me because you valued my opinion, needed input, or a friend who would keep their mouth shut?" No matter what the motivation was/is, now I feel responsible. I have no idea if I am or not, but I really to feel that way. And even if I'm not, which I'm not so sure I'm not, I think I will always feel somewhat responsible. I can't help it. I feel like I have a stake in this now, especially if it turns out badly. Shouldn't I have said something?

 

It isn't a black and white situation, and they are looking at it like it is. There is so much grey that is getting ignored, and it scares me. We live in this grey area, and when we start making decisions that are contingent on existing in black or white only, we will ALWAYS run into trouble. There isn't any physical danger in the imminent future, but mental... I'm not sure. I know I am missing bits and pieces, but knowing what I do, I can form an opinion. My opinion is, barring unforeseen circumstances and changes in this situation, there is going to be much pain in the future. This isn't wishful thinking, or me being spiteful that they have made this decision. This is me drawing conclusions, based on how well I know this individual and out of serious concern for them. All that being said, I am fully aware that I cannot say anything, so I will keep quiet, pray I am wrong, paranoid, and overreacting, and be there for them if and when something goes wrong; very rarely in my life have I wanted so badly to be so wrong.

Dieting Under Stress

My mother found this gem in a filing cabinet. The author's name is 3/4 copied off the page, but it's hysterical. Whoever you are, thank you.

"This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast                                                                      
1/2 grapefruit                                                                
1 slice whole wheat toast, dry
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints rocky road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
nuts, cherries, whipped cream

Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese
large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of soda
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars

Rules for This Diet

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel, such as Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, and Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples: peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate, etc. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color."

Use a Tissue! Please?

Here's a question: What is with our ability to isolate ourselves from the world? This sounds far deeper than what I'm really asking, so I'll try again. How do we get so stuck on ourselves, that we forget that other people can see/ hear us? You see it in cars, in the cubicle at work, in the coffee shop, in the library, etc. We seem to be so lulled into complacency by silence that we forget that we aren't invisible, even if we feel that way. I am talking about picking your nose, randomly bursting into song (I'm guilty of this one. No, we are not on Glee...) scratching yourself in places you should wait on, and picking your nose! (That one is so gross, I feel the need to mention it twice.) This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but these are the ones I've seen recently. Forget professionalism here for a moment. Is is really so easy to be so ignorant of your surroundings that you do anything that you feel the need to, at the moment the whim hits you? I hope I never lose my self-awareness to the point that I start picking my nose sans tissue and manners in a public place.

Oh boy...

So, I decided to join eHarmony. Let's just get a few things straight. 
1. It isn't as expensive as people say it is (I subscribed for $13.00 a month.) 2. The opening questionnaire, the one you take when you're setting up an account, isn't as bad as you hear.
3. Overwhelmingly you will hear the negative reviews if you google the question "Is eHarmony worth the money?" You will get: Too expensive. Bad matches. No matches. Bad system. Wrong system. Complicated system. People are too nosy. The communication system is unnecessary. Hated it. Stupid, etc.

    Rubbish. eHarmony promotes itself as a different approach to online dating. Naturally it isn't going to be like all the other sites. Duh it's going to be unfamiliar. Also, most dating sites go through some system to figure out what you are looking for. This one looks at you, and find people who are compatible to you. I find it interesting that you can set parameters (age, geography, etc) but the main information for your matches comes from the information about yourself. Not what you think you're looking for. Not all dating sites work for everyone, much in the same way that not everyone meets their partner at college, or a bar. Relax people, and quit whining. You're annoying me.

   As I have begun this process, which is incredibly odd, but strangely relaxing for someone who has never tried online dating before, I have started to come up with a list of things that I need to remember as I continue to learn how this actually works.

1. Not everyone will want to be my friend.

2. I am not compatible with everyone who shows up in my match categories.

3. I am allowed to be picky.

4. I reserve the right to not share something I am not ready to.

5. This actually is about me, so I can chose not to go forward if something doesn't seem right.

6. I deserve to be answered.

7. They don't actually know me.

8. They have just as many options as I do.

9. I am not beholden to them just because they're interested, and vice-versa.

10. I don't have to alter my responses just to try to get them to like me.

    The last one is epically hard for me. I am a people pleaser. I always have been, and I have realized that I find myself constantly trying to figure out what the other person is thinking of me. I'm always asking myself, how can I make myself seem the most appealing to them. This seems so silly. If someone cannot accept me with my bugaboos, and my flaws, then why should I be with them anyway? I am myself. I have found myself hiding parts that I think they won't like. I have odd habits, and I have things that are very important to me. I have hidden these things because somehow I think they will be displeasing to my partner, which is dumb because then I feel trapped. It should also be noted, it's also hard to hide parts of yourself for long periods of time. I'm not even giving the men a fair chance. How do I know they wouldn't like the fact that I skip the gym every once and awhile? That my sweet spot for chocolate and books has nothing to do with my hormone levels? That I'm terrified that I won't be able to pay off my student loans? That I am quite ridiculous on a regular basis? That I can command the attention of a large group of people if I want to? That I prefer being alone to recharge? That I can, in fact, ballroom dance?

    I suppose part of the reason I have done this is all my relationships have been with someone that I don't see on a daily basis, or even weekly. Two were with men that I rarely saw at all. It was all online, text, and phone calling. This allowed me the luxury of creating the girl that I thought they would want to be with. The problem with this is... I'm not her, or she's not me. She's part of me to be sure. I would take the characteristics that they admired, or appreciated, and amplify them. The one's that they looked down on, I stuffed. I am a passionate person. I don't do things halfway. When I'm committed to something, I'm all there, which makes it that much more devastating when you find out that they are not on the same page you are, or that they were playing you. Either sucks.

    Online profiles allow you to create the person you want people to see. In a way, you can be whoever you want. Honesty is the best way to go, but it doesn't work terribly well if you a.) are delusional about who you really are, b.) what you want, and what you need are two different things. In a way, this feels like a grand social experiment (that tells you how highly I think of myself...) I am using a different medium to meet people that I normally would have no real way of connecting with. I have no idea if this is even going to find me a significant other, or if it's just going to expand my social circle immensely. Either way, it's definitely going to be interesting.

Sorry. I don't work for you.

    There comes a point in which you have to ask yourself: Where is my line between enabling this person, and trying to create a sense of peace in my daily workspace? This is something I am struggling with right now. When you have to constantly deal with someone who will not bend, you reach a point where it's simply easier to cave into their demands than to stand up to them. In doing so, you are at risk for losing a sense of respect for yourself, amongst other things. You also wind up stuffing how you really feel because to tick them off would not turn out well for you. However, as soon as you decided to just close your mouth, and do what they say, you're stuck. They soon expect you to do more things. Naturally they expected it before, but with nothing to support it. Now they have proof: Whine/demand/guilt-trip/pressure you enough, and you will do it. Dang it. Now I'm not saying that peace isn't important, but temporary peace isn't worth a sacrifice of self respect, or your sanity. How do we know this? Because the peace will not last. They will demand more of your time, effort, and brain, and it will never be good enough. It's the definition of a no-win situation coupled with a downhill slide that will feel very out of control.

    That being said, it's also extremely tiring to try to deflect people constantly. It's like dealing with a two year old who doesn't know the meaning of the word no, except they are an adult who simply thinks that the word "no" should never be applied to them. Ever. That, and they know more words than a two year old, but not necessarily bigger ones. Extra annoyance points will be awarded for this person being higher in the pecking order than you, but catering to their every whim is not in your job description. Entitlement is a serious issue, and it is rampant. It isn't just gen Y. It's everyone who has never had someone put down their foot, and say "no, I don't have to do that just because you think I should." Half the time, I am scared of this person. The other half alternates between annoyed, and ambivalent. Obviously they don't deserve the rent space in my head that it takes for me to be annoyed, but I think it only becomes a problem if you dwell on it. When you're trying to deal with this, you have to walk a fine line between ignoring them, and being disrespectful. Unfortunately, they will often confuse and switch around the two, so that you can't win either way. The funny thing is, if you put your foot down, they most likely won't go tattling to upper management. Why? Upper management is most likely going to have your back. If you are uncertain of this, I suggest the following conversation with a manager, or the next person up the totem pole. "I know you're busy, but I need your help with something. I need some suggestions on what to say to so and so when they're after me to do ___________. I know I can help them out sometimes, but I don't have time to do it for them all the time, and when I tell them I'm busy, they get upset. (You may need to quote an example here.) I don't want to alienate them, or upset them; I just don't want them to treat me like their secretary. What approach would you suggest I use next time I encounter this?" It's called being proactive, and you may be surprised by the results.

    Here is my philosophy on this: I will help if you need it, but don't expect me to drop everything to work on your problem when I have seven others that came first, especially if the reason you have a problem is a direct result of poor planning. That is never my problem, and no, you cannot make it my problem. No you cannot bribe me. I refuse to take your monkey from you; I have enough of my own to deal with. Now go away.

A day in Haiku:

Do it like I said.
Because that is the right way.
Except for sometimes.